


An Encyclopedia of Us

by rosynovak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24174319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosynovak/pseuds/rosynovak
Summary: Castiel becomes a librarian at a small town. There he meets Dean, a frequent visitor of the library. The two become lovers and come to mean the world to each other, until they're met with an ordeal that challenges their relationship and changes everything between them.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first au, so apologies in advance for any spelling, grammatical, or just general writing issues.
> 
> There is mentions of drinking, homophobia, and an accident scene, so please turn away if any of those bother you. 
> 
> Thanks! :D

_Breathe. You're okay._

Castiel grabbed the door handle to the library, his hand shaking. As he opened the door he was hit by the smell of vanilla and old books. He smiled, the scent easing his anxiety. He walked past a few book carts and made his way to the front desk.

"Hi, I'm here for an interview." He said to the woman at the front desk. She looked him up and down and then nodded.

"You're Castiel Novak?" She inquired. "You're about 10 minutes early."

Castiel rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah I didn't want to be late. I'll just go wait over there." He said, pointing at the circle of blue armchairs in the middle of the library.

The woman shook her head. "No need. We can start now, it won't take long." She grabbed a clipboard and walked around the front desk to Castiel's side. "Follow me." She told him, walking past him towards the other side of the library.

"Name's Rowena by the way." She looked back at the boy walking behind her. They walked past shelves filled to the top with books, except for the empty slots for books that people had taken home. The library was mostly vacant, besides a few people milling about. An old man was walking down the reference section holding an almanac. A couple stood against one of the YA novel shelves, but definitely not reading any of the books there.

Rowena and Castiel reached the back of the library where there were round tables with chairs for two, aligned by a large window that took up most of its wall. There was no one else in the area except a boy in a flannel, sitting at the table behind Rowena. She put her clipboard down and turned around to look at him. His feet were up on the table, legs crossed, as he tipped back in his chair. "Boy, I've told you a million times. Get your shoes off the table!" She scolded him.

The boy looked up from his book and immediately took his feet down and sat upright. "Sorry ma'am. Won't happen again." He smiled at her.

Rowena nodded and turned back to Castiel. "So, Castiel. I don't think I've ever seen you around here. Are you new in town?

He nodded. "Yeah, I just moved here about a week ago. I bought a place a few blocks from here. I drove past here the other day and saw the sign on the front window that said you were hiring."

"Yes, we're a bit short staffed at the moment. There's me and two others, a boy and a girl, who work shifts throughout the week. So hopefully, you'll be joining us here."

"I hope so too." Castiel replied.

"So why did you apply for this position?" She asked the boy in front of her.

Castiel cleared his throat. "Well, I love books, always have. I used to spend a lot of time at the library in my town as a kid. I basically grew up there."

Rowena nodded and wrote something down on her paper. "Glad to know people are still passionate about books like I am, what with all these phones and computers."

She asked a few more basic interview questions and Castiel answered them, trying to keep his nerves down. He glanced behind Rowena a few times at the boy in the flannel. He was reading A Prayer for Owen Meany, by John Irving. That was one of Castiel's favorite books, so he was obviously intrigued. The boy he saw didn't actually look like someone who read books often, especially not the book he was reading now.

After her last question, Rowena smiled. "Alright, you've got the job! We need as much help as we need around here anyways. Welcome to Northview Library."

Castiel let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you so much, Rowena. This is amazing."

They went over a few things about his job like what the pay would be and his shifts. Castiel was thrilled. He really needed the job to afford his new apartment, and he was beyond glad he would be working at the town's library. He always felt comfortable at the library where he grew up and he already knew he'd like it here as well.

"Today's Thursday, so you can come in tomorrow at 9 for training with Gabriel, and you'll be starting work Monday. Sound good? Rowena asked.

"Sounds great." Castiel beamed. He looked behind her shoulder and saw that the boy behind them was gone.

Rowena got up and headed back to the front desk, telling Castiel he was free to wander the library till closing time. He walked over to the American literature section and scanned the shelf. He ran his finger along the spines of the books as he walked down the aisle. Suddenly, he bumped into someone and stopped. It was the boy from earlier.

"Woah, sorry about that." The boy said.

"I-Its fine, I should've been watching where I was going." Castiel awkwardly replied. He looked at the boy he had run into. He was now wearing a leather jacket over his flannel. His hair was short, but spiked up a little at the front. He had green eyes that were currently looking directly into Castiel's blue ones.

The boy looked down at his lips and then back into his eyes. He stepped to the side and put a hand on Castiel's lower back, whose eyes widened at the sudden touch. Dean gently moved Castiel aside to get to the shelf behind him. "I'm Dean, by the way. Dean Winchester. I heard you talking to Rowena about working here. Congrats on the job." He spoke as he scanned the shelf's "I" section of authors' last names

Castiel blinked a few times and replied. "Thank you. My name's Castiel Novak." He noticed Dean was trying to put away the book he was reading earlier. "You finished that?" He pointed at the novel.

Dean looked down at the book in his hand. "No, I was actually only a few chapters in. I just couldn't get into it, it's kinda boring." He shrugged.

"Boring?! A Prayer for Owen Meany is a classic! I'll admit it's slow at first, but that's how you build exposition. That book is an American treasure." Castiel retorted.

"I've heard that, that's why I started to read it. But 4 chapters in and all that's happened so far is that annoying kid and his best friend talking about the friend's dead mom." Dean turned to face him. "It's boring." he reiterated.

Cas shook his head in disapproval and crossed his arms. "It is absolutely not boring. It's a classic for a reason, you just need to be patient. Keep reading, i'm telling you it's worth it."

"Hm. Fine. Only because you're very persuasive." Dean rolled his eyes and smiled.

Rowena announced that the library was closing in a few minutes. Whoever was still there started to make their way out. Dean and Castiel walked towards the front desk. "Hey Rowena, I think I'm gonna check this one out." Dean slid the book across the table and pulled his library card out of his wallet. Rowena scanned it for him and put the receipt inside the front cover.

"I see you two have met." She looked at the two boys.

"He was going to put this book away but I stopped him because that would've been a mistake. You're welcome by the way." Castiel said looking at Dean.

"Yeah, yeah whatever. I'll be grateful when things actually start to pick up in this lame ass story." Dean took the book from Rowena's hand. He walked behind Castiel out of the front door.

When they stepped out, Castiel put his hands in his pockets and turned to Dean. "It was nice meeting you. Hope we see each other again so you can finally thank me for not letting you make the biggest mistake of your life."

"Yeah, we'll see each other soon, I come here like every other day. But I definitely won't be thanking you for making me read this."

"That's where you're wrong, Dean."

"Whatever you say, nerd." Dean smiled. "Bye, Cas."

* * *

_Bye, Cas._

The last words Dean said to him before he headed home echoed in Castiel’s head. It was night now, and he was laying on a bedsheet on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. He didn't have any furniture yet, so he made a mental note to go buy some over the weekend.

_Bye, Cas._

The nickname made him blush, but the way Dean said it made him blush harder. It was as if he wasn’t saying bye, but greeting him, letting him be a friend. When he said they would see each other around, Cas was relieved. He would've been disappointed to meet a boy like Dean, only to never see him again. He turned to sleep on his side and pulled his blanket up to his chin. He knew he had to get up early the next morning, but he couldn't stop thinking about what happened. The effect Dean had on him was unsettling, to say the least.

_Bye, Cas._

He closed his eyes and tried to force himself to sleep. Behind his eyelids, all Cas could see was Dean. 

Dean’s eyes. The way they reminded him of the sweet but sour taste of a granny smith apple, those piercing green eyes. Dean’s smile. That stupid, toothy grin he had on his face. The way his lips turned up at the corners and made Cas want to do the same. Dean’s hair. How it was shorter than his own, but looked perfect on him. Dean’s voice. Deep but soothing, something he could listen to for hours. The voice that jokingly called him a nerd. The voice that told him they would see each other again.

_Bye, Cas._

Castiel propped himself up on his elbow and turned on his lamp. Reaching over to a bag on the floor next to him, he pulled out a small journal and pen. He flipped to the next clean page and began writing. Cas wrote and wrote, page after page, to clear his head. He wrote about Dean and his eyes and his smile and his hair and his voice and everything else about the boy that wouldn't leave his head. He wrote until his eyelids were heavy and he couldn't write anymore. Then he placed the pen and notebook back in the bag and finally drifted to sleep.

_Bye, Cas._

* * *

It was the Monday after Cas's interview. He was trained on Friday by Gabriel, like Rowena had said, and the two of them were getting along great. Gabriel was like the big brother Cas had always wanted. Gabriel had 3 brothers of his own, but he didn't talk about them much. "I'm just not that close to my family." He said, when Cas asked why he didn't want to mention them.

"Me neither." Cas said. "That's why I moved here actually, I wanted to be on my own."

His first day was pretty slow, not many people came to the library anymore. Gabriel didn't work on that day so it was just him and Rowena, who was there everyday. He helped a few people check out books and DVDs, and towards the end of the day Rowena wheeled a book cart towards him, asking him to put its contents back on the shelves. Castiel walked through the different sections of the library, placing books where they belonged. While he was at it, he fixed the misorganized sections where people haphazardly put back what they were reading.

It had been 4 days since he last saw Dean. He thought himself to be insane for missing someone he had only met once. He wondered when Dean would be back at the library. He really wanted Dean to be back at the library.

As if Dean had read his mind, the front door opened and in walked the boy Castiel couldn't take his mind off of. Cas couldn't see him because he was stacking books on a shelf facing away from the door. Dean walked up to the front desk, the book Cas had told him to read in his hands. "Hi Rowena, is Castiel here today?"

"Eager to see your new friend again, are you?" She smiled. "He's somewhere back there, putting books away."

Dean strolled around looking for the boy he had met last week. For some reason, he had butterflies in his stomach. He gripped the book tightly in his hands and kept looking. He finally saw Castiel in the sci-fi section. Cas was standing on his toes, putting a book away on one of the higher shelves. After that he picked up another book off the cart and scanned the aisle to find it's home. Dean watched him. He watched the way his shirt lifted a little when he raised his arm. He watched the way Castiel bit his lip and furrowed his brows as his blue eyes glazed over the various authors and titles. He watched Castiel's hands and how they gripped the larger books, making his veins pop out. He watched and wondered how Castiel looked absolutely angelic doing something so mundane.

He realized he had been staring and snapped out of it, blinking a few times. He walked up to the boy and smiled. "Hey, Cas."

Castiel's face lit up. "Dean! Hi I didn't know you'd be here today."

"I told you we'd see each other soon." Dean said looking him up and down. "Anyways, I've been reading this." He said, holding up A Prayer for Owen Meany.

"Good." Castiel responded. "I told you you'd like it."

"Well I didn't say that, I haven't figured out if I like it or not yet. But it's not horrible, I guess."

Castiel held one side of the cart and pulled it towards another section of the library, Dean following him.

"If it's not bad that means it's good, right?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. "Not exactly. Some things are just meh."

Cas looked at him, puzzled. "Meh?"

"Meh." Dean repeated himself.

"Well that book is definitely not 'meh'. It's a-"

"I know, I know. It's an American classic." Dean interrupted him, causing the other boy to smile. "Hey, you get off at closing time right?"

Castiel nodded. "Yeah, in like half an hour."

"Awesome, why don't you and I go get coffee there's a great place nearby. You can tell me more about how 'A Prayer for Owen Meany is an American classic'." He mocked him.

Castiel's cheeks turned red. "Oh! Uh, yeah sounds good. But it's like 6pm, is this a good time for coffee?"

Dean shook his head. "Cas, it's always a good time for coffee."

Dean decided to go read until Castiel was done with his shift. He sat at one of the tables at the back near the giant window and kept reading his book. He had just started a new chapter when droplets of rain began pattering on the window beside him, causing him to smile. Dean loved the rain and the memories it brought him. When they were kids, him and his little brother Sam would get so excited to see the rain. They would put on their rainboots and run to the front yard, splashing in puddles on the sidewalk and in the grass. After they had their fun, they would walk back inside, completely covered in mud, which definitely didn't please their parents. Their dad would scold them but laugh at their faces and hair, caked with wet dirt. Their mother would take them to the bathroom to get them cleaned, smiling at her beautiful boys the entire time.

Dean remembered times like these with a fondness he couldn't explain. It was more than nostalgia. When he thought about those times he could feel it. He could almost hear his mother and father's laughter.

And how he wished more than anything that he could hear it again.

Dean looked back down at his book. He felt sympathy for it's narrator, Johnny Wheelwright, whose mother had died, just like Dean's. Johnny didn't know who his father was, his mother never told him. But Dean knew his father, or at least he thought he did. He knew who his father was before his mother had died. Before his mother died, Dean's father, John Winchester, was a kind, lively man. He was always there for Dean and Sam and loved them endlessly. But after the boys' mother died, he changed. He became quiet and withdrawn and didn't even acknowledge his two sons. When he died, Dean almost felt nothing.

Blinking away tears, Dean closed the book. He looked at his watch and realized it was a few minutes till 6. He smiled, remembering his plan with Cas.

By the time the two boys had left the library, it stopped raining. Castiel only lived a few blocks down so he walked to work. They decided to take Dean's car, which he lovingly referred to as Baby, to the coffee shop. On the ride there, Castiel asked Dean for his phone, which confused Dean.

"So I can give you my number, dummy." He said typing the digits into a new contact.

When they reached the coffee place, a little bell rang when Dean opened the door for them. The smell of coffee beans filled the air and made Dean smile. It was his favorite. He told Castiel to pick where they would sit while he ordered and paid for their drinks. He got himself an espresso americano, and a caffè latte Cas had asked for. Then he walked to the table Cas was sitting at and slid into the chair across from him. The table was near the back of the store, away from the few people who were there at the time.

Dean began telling Cas where he was in the book. "Okay so the Christmas Carol play was going on and Owen was on stage as the Ghost of Christmas future. He's going to show Ebenezer Scrooge his "future" and so he points to a tombstone but then he faints? And then when Johnny asks why he fainted on stage Owen's crying and he said he saw his own name on the grave? I'm so confused."

Castiel smiles. "That's a good part. You'll see what happens, it all falls in place."

"It's interesting, I'll give you that. Don't know if it lives up to the hype yet." Dean says, causing Cas to roll his eyes.

A girl in an apron brings their coffee. As she's setting the drinks on the table, she smiles and winks at Castiel. Dean looks at his own cup and then Cas's. There was a little foam heart in Castiel's latte. "Aw, I think she likes you." Dean teased him.

Castiel looked down at the little design and then back at the front counter that the girl was wiping down. He picked up the spoon on the napkin next to him and mixed his drink. "Well, she's not really my type."

Dean gave him a confused look. The girl was obviously attractive. She had brown hair that flowed till just past her shoulders. Her eyes were blue, like Castiel's.

 _But not as nice as his._ Dean thought to himself.

The two boys drank their coffee and continued talking, one of them laughing every so often at something the other had said. "Yeah, so Sammy had a massive crush on Rowena for the longest time. He's dating some girl named Eileen now." Dean finished telling a story.

"Wow, that's so weird." Castiel laughed. "So how long have you and Sam been living here?" he asked.

"As long as I can remember. Sam's actually in college now though, so it's just me." Dean replied, taking the last sip of his coffee.

"And your parents?"

Dean looked down at his empty cup, running his finger over the top edge. "They um. They're gone."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."

Dean looked at the boy in front of him and smiled. "Don't worry about it. So what about you, why did you move here?"

"Well, after college I traveled for a while. When I came back home I realized both my family and I were happier when I was away, so I left. We never got along anyways and I haven't spoken to them since. I wanted a fresh start, so I just looked for an apartment and the one I liked the best happened to be in this town." Castiel spoke and drank the last of his latte.

"Well, I'm glad you liked the apartment then." Dean smiled. "If you didn't, we wouldn't be here."

After a bit, the boys left the coffee shop and went back to Dean's car. On the drive home, Castiel mentioned how he had to go furniture shopping. "I've literally been sleeping on a jacket for the past week."

Dean laughed, picturing what he had described. He glanced over at Castiel for a second. He wished he could take photographs with his mind. A blink of his eyes and he could keep this moment forever. He could have the way Cas looked under the flashing of the streetlights they passed etched into his mind. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed. The way his smile made Dean feel dizzy. If he could, Dean would never look away.

"You know where I should go to get my furniture?" Cas asked him. "I don't even know which stores are good and I don't like shopping online."

"Why don't I just go with you?" Dean suggested.

"I'd love that. If it's not any trouble for you."

"I wouldn't have offered if it was, Cas."

"Alright, thanks Dean."

He pulled into the driveway of Castiel's apartment. Cas opened the door and stepped out, the movement causing the car to creak. He leaned down and looked at Dean through the window of the car. "Good night Winchester."

"Good night, Novak."

* * *

After a few hours of watching Game of Thrones, Dean rubbed at his eyes and looked at his phone, the time read 12:24am. He acknowledged the fact that he was going to have to get up earlier than usual for his furniture adventure with Cas, the thought of which made Dean’s stomach buzz. Speaking of Cas, Dean had no idea when he was supposed to pick him up in the morning. He took out his phone and scrolled through the letter Cs of his contacts until he found Castiel. After editing the contact to say Cas instead, Dean sent him a text.

Dean: Hey Cas :)

Cas: Dean?

Dean: Yea how'd you know?

Cas: You're the only person who calls me cas instead of castiel

Dean: Don't get me wrong, I like your name it's cool. But Cas is a cute nickname so deal with it

Cas: I never said I didn't like it lol

Dean: Okay, question: what time am I picking you up tomorrow?

Cas: 9 sound good?

Dean: Perfect. See you then

Dean turned his phone off and took a deep breath. The hours he spent with Cas replayed in his head. All those times in the car and at the coffee shop when they were so close together, Dean could practically feel the heat radiating off of him. Dean went over each moment in his mind, changing the way he acted in them. When he thought about the car ride, instead of just talking to Cas, he imagined himself reaching over and grabbing his thigh. He imagined sliding his hand upwards and lacing their fingers together. When he thought about their time at the coffee shop, instead of just discussing their lives, Dean imagined himself leaning over the table and tasting Cas’s latte off of his lips. He imagined looking right at the girl who flirted with Cas and holding the boy’s hand, as if to say _he's mine_

He imagined all of these things, but at the same time he scolded himself, because he knew they would never be more than just scenarios in his head.

At about 9:30am the next morning, Cas and Dean were on the road, headed towards a furniture store about half an hour from Cas’s house. Dean played his music, old songs by Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin blasting from the speakers. He tapped the steering wheel and sang along to some of them, causing Castiel to smile. When they reached the furniture store, Cas listed the main things he needed to buy: a dresser, a nightstand, a desk, and a bed. “And a mattress.” Cas added. “A bed isn't any good without a mattress.”

So they searched the store for those items. After a few hours of looking around and finding mostly everything, one item was left.

“Okay our last stop is the mattress section.” Dean declared.

They walked over to the part of the store that sold what they were looking for. Dean immediately ran to the closest bed and belly flopped onto it, his face making an imprint in the memory foam. Castiel burst out laughing but quickly stopped after he saw people looking at them. He walked to the bed Dean was on and sat down. “Too mushy.” He commented and they moved on.

They walked through the sea of mattresses, testing each one as they did the first. After a few rejects, Dean flopped onto a mattress, but he didn’t get up for a few seconds. “Cas, this one's amazing.” He moaned.

Cas closed his eyes and gulped. The way Dean had said his name made him feel things. He brushed the feelings off and sat on the bed next to Dean, who was sitting upright now. Cas laid down on his back and looked up at the fluorescent lights above him. He put his hand up to Dean’s shoulder and pulled him back down to lay beside him. The two stayed on the mattress in silence for a few minutes until Cas spoke.

“I think this is the one.”


	2. Chapter 2

Dean Winchester was a paradox. He was actually a series of paradoxes jumbled into skin and bones. He was gentle, but passionate about what he loved. He was bold and bright when discussing ordinary things, but Castiel saw how timid he was to talk about the things that truly mattered: love, family, being happy, the whole nine yards. Dean was the most complex and intricate person Castiel had ever met. And he never wanted to leave this juxtaposition of a man.

It had been a few weeks since Castiel and Dean went furniture shopping. Since then, they had spent a lot of time together. During the week, they had a schedule. Dean worked at an auto repair shop till about 5, then he would drive to the library and wait for Castiel’s shift to end at 6. Then they would go to one of their houses to watch whatever tv show Dean was hooked onto at the time. On the weekends, they would sometimes go out for lunch or to see a movie. And whenever they weren't together, they would text each other.

There were nine chapters in A Prayer for Owen Meany, the book Castiel had told Dean to read. Nine chapters in the book that brought their friendship to existence. Dean was on the last chapter when he called Cas one day.

“I just found out how Owen dies.”

“Oh. So you're done. How are you feeling?” Cas asked.

Dean shifted the weight in his legs. “I-I don’t know. It was poetically tragic. You were right, everything did come together in the end.” He said and then paused before speaking again. “And yea, I get why you say it's an ‘American classic’ now.”

Castiel laughed in triumph. “I don't want to say I told you so but...I told you so.”

“Yeah, you did.” Dean smiled.

Every time the two were together, Dean’s heart felt at war. There were two sides, loving Castiel and not. But Dean was losing either way. He tried to ignore his feelings for the librarian, but he couldn't. He loved Cas and absolutely hated himself for doing so. The only thing keeping him afloat was the mantra he told himself every time he felt like giving in: _It’s just a stupid crush._

Of course, Castiel was in the same predicament. He had felt something for Dean from the moment he set his eyes on him. Something about him just drew Castiel in and he couldn't help himself. But he had to. He couldn't tell Dean and risk losing him, not knowing if he felt the same way. In Castiel’s eyes, he was just Dean’s best friend and nothing more.

And so this went on for months. Tiptoeing around their attraction to each other and not acknowledging their obvious bond. But ignoring the matter didn't make it go away, and their feelings grew stronger. Every moment they spent together brought them closer.

In early November, the small town they lived in set up a drive-in theater for the weekend. For a few nights, the classics would be up on a giant projector in a field at the edge of town. Dean and Cas thought it would be fun to go. They arrived at the field half an hour before the movie was going to start and sat on the hood of Dean’s car.

The two boys looked up at the night sky in awe. Dean followed Castiel’s finger that was pointing at different constellations and naming them. With every group of stars, Dean felt himself falling harder for Cas. After a bit, he stopped looking at the sky and observed his friend instead. The way he talked about the names of the constellation and the stories behind them. The way his eyes lit up when he recognized one he hadn't noticed before. The way he was smiling that made Dean feel like they were the only two beings in the world. He felt like this boy gave the stars something to look at.

When the movie started Dean tried his hardest to focus on the images on the projector. He didn't want to think about his growing emotions for Cas. But Dean couldn't watch the movie because he was busy looking at it in the reflection of Castiel’s eyes. Cas noticed him staring and turned to face him. “What are you staring at, Winchester.” He moved himself closer.

“Nothing. I’m watching the movie.” Dean quickly turned his head to the screen. He could feel Castiel still looking at him so he turned back. “What?”

“Dean, you are something else, you know that?” Cas said putting his hand on Dean’s knee.

“I-I don’t know what you mean.” Dean became flustered for a second. “Cas, you're distracting me from the movie.” He subconsciously leaned closer to the boy.

Castiel moved and put his lips up to Dean’s ear, sending chills down his spine. “You’re not even watching.” He brought his face to Dean’s, their noses almost touching. Dean looked down at Cas’s lips and then back into his eyes, the way he had done the first time they met. But this time was different – this time it meant something. Castiel held a hand up to Dean’s face, his thumb rubbing his cheek. Dean put his hand on Cas’s wrist to pull it away but he couldn't bring himself to do so. At that moment, the world was quiet and it was just the two of them. They looked into each other’s eyes, their bodies close enough together that their silhouettes became one in the dark. They said nothing but their eyes spoke a million words. Then Castiel closed what little distance was left between their lips. Dean’s eyes fluttered shut and he squeezed Castiel’s wrist. He melted into the kiss and his free hand ran through the boy’s hair. The two of them sat on the hood of the car, finally doing what they had wanted to for so long, until Dean pulled away.

“Cas I can’t.”

“You can't? You just did.” Cas gave him a confused look.

The way he tilted his head like a lost puppy made Dean’s heart melt all over again. But he stopped himself. This had already gone too far, he couldn't let it continue. “I did. And I liked it. But we can’t do this, I'm sorry.”

“What do you mean? If you liked it then why do we have to stop?” Cas moved close to Dean’s face again, but he was stopped by Dean’s hand on his chest, keeping him away. Dean wanted this more than anything. But the prevailing thought in his mind was that Castiel was too good for him and he didn't deserve that beautiful boy.

“We just can’t do this, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have let it get this far.” Dean apologized.

Cas’s expression changed from one of concern and confusion to one of annoyance. “Let it get this far? You’re kidding right?” 

“No I didn’t mean it like that I ju-”

“Stop, Dean. Just take me to my apartment, I wanna go home.” Castiel got off the hood of the car and sat in the passenger seat.

Dean sighed and sat in the driver’s seat, pulling his keys out of his pocket. “I’m sorry Cas, I-”

“Dean.” Castiel turned and looked at him, his eyes filled with dejection. “Just drive.”

Dean started the engine and they drove to Castiel’s apartment. When they arrived, Cas left the car without a word and headed inside. Dean stayed on the driveway for a few moments, not knowing what to do next. _Should_ _I go inside and try to talk to him?_ he thought. He decided against it, seeing that Cas clearly needed to be alone, or at least away from him. He started the car and drove home.

Castiel looked outside his front window and saw the Impala pulling out of the driveway. He blinked back tears and walked upstairs. This was the most despondent he had felt in a very long time. The happiness of realizing Dean liked him back was taken from him so quickly when Dean pulled away. He racked his brain trying to figure out what went wrong. One moment they were kissing and it felt like all the pieces were finally fitting together, the next moment Dean had his hand on Cas’s chest, stopping them from continuing. He fell asleep with this being the only thought on his mind.

* * *

It was December now, and the whole town was getting into the Christmas spirit. But Dean felt neither holly nor jolly. He was angry. He was angry and sad and disappointed and miserable. But above it all, his heart was aching because he missed Cas. He missed his smile and his laugh and his beautiful eyes. He missed the way their lips felt together and how their kiss felt more perfect than anything he had ever experienced before. He hated himself for the way things were between them. That night at the drive-in, everything was going amazingly. But Dean stopped it because he couldn't let it go on. He couldn't let Castiel into his life like that because he knew that everyone he got close to would leave. The sorrow Dean felt now was nothing compared to what he’d feel if Castiel left for good.

But it had been weeks since the two of them talked. Dean stopped coming to the library and Castiel hadn’t texted him since that night. They spent their days alone, the nights being even lonelier.

Dean went to the library on a Saturday, when he knew Cas wasn't there. He had forgotten to return a book he had borrowed right before his fight with Castiel, and the charges were piling up. When he walked up to the front and placed the book in front of Rowena, she looked at him. It was the first time he had shown up in weeks.

“Where have you been, boy? You're in here just about every single day and then you don't show up for weeks? Scared the hell out of me.” She scolded him.

“Sorry, Rowena.” He looked down at his feet and scratched the back of his neck. “Things have been rough lately.”

Rowena looked at Dean and noticed how tired he looked. His usual upbeat demeanor was nowhere to be seen, as it was replaced by a solemn look on his face that told her everything she needed to know. “Is this about Castiel?”

Dean looked up to meet her gaze. “Yeah, I messed things up between us and now we’re not exactly on speaking terms. It’s probably better this way though.”

“Better?” Rowena scoffed, scanning the book Dean was returning and then holding her hand out for his library card. “You look awful. And he doesn't look much better either. Everyday he comes in with that same woeful look in his eyes.”

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Dean retorted and handed her the card from his wallet.

“He’s not. And neither are you. You need to fix whatever you did. I don’t like seeing you or him like this, always gloomy and down in the dumps.” Rowena scanned the card and handed it back, but before letting it go, she spoke again. “Dean, what you and that boy have is special, I can tell. Don’t let that go because of your fear or whatever it is that's holding you back.” She said, releasing the card from her fingers. 

Dean nodded and headed out of the library as quickly as possible. That place made him remember Cas in a way he tried to forget about for the past few weeks. He drove home, his conversation with Rowena echoing in his mind. Her words made sense and he knew she was right. His fear of being hurt was stopping him from being happy – from being with Cas. 

“You know what? Screw this.”

* * *

It’s easy to love someone. You can love someone the way you might love ice cream or music, or the way you love your favorite movie. But being _in love_ with someone? That's an entirely different scenario. Being in love with someone is letting them see you for who you are and hoping that they’ll love you, and not just the idea of you. Being in love with someone is loving every single thing about them, no matter what others say. Being in love with someone is wanting them to be the first person you turn to in good times or bad. Being in love with someone means that you would do anything for them.

It had taken Dean a long time to realize this. But once he did, the truth of the matter hit him like a ton of bricks:

He was absolutely, head over heels, in love with his best friend.

Dean parked his car on Castiel’s driveway and hastily walked to the front door. His hands shaking –partially from the cold of December and partially due to his nerves – he rang the doorbell. A few seconds passed before Castiel opened the door and looked at the person standing there. “Dean?”

Castiel hadn't shaved in a while so he was growing a stubble. His hair looked messy, like he had just gotten out of his bed, and his shirt was covered in food stains. But to Dean, he looked like the most beautiful individual he had ever met. Dean smiled and immediately grabbed Cas’s face in between his hands. He crashed his lips into the boy’s, and Castiel kissed him back, not wasting a moment. Their kiss was passionate and anything but gentle. After a few seconds, Cas pulled his head back. “What are you doing?”

“Making up for lost time.” Dean said and pulled him back onto his lips. Without stopping the kiss, they stepped into Cas’s apartment and Dean shut the door behind him. Cas pushed him against the door, their bodies closer than ever before. “I’m really glad you're here, you asshole.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Dean and Cas spent the following Christmas together that year. And a couple Christmases after that. As time passed they fell deeper and deeper in love. They belonged only to each other. If there was anything more pure and true in the world than their bond, no one had seen it. Sure, they had their moments, as all couples do. But they were strong and wanted each other more than anything. They shared in each other’s happiness and sorrow, pain and affection. Finding your soulmate is an incredibly rare thing, and they were so grateful that they had found each other.

They felt invincible.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean sat at the dining table, his finger turning the page of a book that Castiel had recently recommended to him. Music was quietly playing from the speaker of his phone. He skipped through his playlists till he found the one titled “For Dean.” On their one month anniversary, Cas and Dean made each other playlists with songs that reminded them of each other. Years later and Dean still listened to it every single day.

It was the early hours of Saturday morning, sunlight shined through the windows causing small spots of rainbow to reflect across the room. Castiel shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing at his tired eyes. He smiled when he saw Dean.

“Good morning, Dean.”

“'Morning. Coffee is in the pot.”

“Thanks.” Cas walked over to the cupboard and looked for a mug. The last one was at the top shelf, so he stood on his toes to grab it. Dean watched him pull the mug down and place it on the counter. It reminded him of one of the first times he saw Cas at the library, reaching to place a book on the top shelf. He got up and walked over to where Cas was standing and stood behind him. He wrapped his arms around his waist and planted kisses on his back. Cas smiled and poured the coffee from the pot into his mug. “Someone’s happy this morning.”

“Why wouldn't I be?” Dean kissed the spot where his neck met his shoulder. “I get to wake up and see you every morning.” 

Dean quit his job at the auto repair shop a few years ago when the owner of a coffee shop – the one Dean went to with Cas on their first unofficial date – offered him a job. The owner, Bobby Singer, knew Dean because he had been best friends with Dean’s father. After his death, Dean looked to Bobby as his father figure. Dean worked his way up to the manager’s role and his income increased significantly. With his and Castiel’s savings combined, the two bought and moved into a new apartment together in the previous year. 

Cas turned around to face Dean and put his arms around his neck, his hands resting on Dean’s upper back. He noticed the music playing and realized it was from the playlist he had made Dean years ago, causing him to smile. “Did you know that I love you?” He placed a small peck on Dean’s lips. 

“I did know that. And I’m glad, because I love you too.” His hands found their way around Castiel’s waist and he pulled him away from the counter. The next song on the playlist started playing: Get You by Daniel Caesar and Kali Uchis. Dean pulled Castiel closer to him and buried his face into Cas’s collarbone. They swayed and let the music wash over them.

_Through drought and famine, natural disasters_

_My baby has been around for me_

_Kingdoms have fallen, angels be calling_

_None of that could ever make me leave_

_Every time I look into your eyes I see it_

_You're all I need_

_Every time I get a bit inside I feel it_

Dean looked into Cas’s eyes, mouthing the lyrics as they flowed from the speaker.

_Ooh, who could've thought I'd get you?_

He stepped back, keeping one hand loosely wrapped around Cas’s waist, while the other grabbed his hand. They stepped slowly, dancing to the soft rhythm of the music. Dean spun Cas around and brought him back to face him. Castiel laughed and mouthed the lyrics with him.

_Ooh, who could've thought I'd get you?_

Dean planted a kiss on Cas’s cheek, dramatically mouthing the next lyrics back to him, the two of them still swaying to the song.

_And when we're making love_

_Your cries they can be heard from far and wide_

_It's only the two of us_

Cas threw his head back and laughed. “Dean, let me finish my coffee so I can shower.”

Dean buried his face back into Castiel’s collarbone. Cas always smelled like vanilla and old books, like the library. He smelled like home.

“You don’t smell bad, why would you need to shower.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “It’s called personal hygiene, loser. Wanna join?” He said, tilting his head towards the bathroom.

Dean’s eyes widened. “Yes, please.”

Cas held his hand and led him to the bathroom, closing the door behind them. He tugged at the hem of Dean’s shirt, signaling for him to raise his arms. Cas pulled the shirt off of Dean’s torso and dropped it on the ground, then he took off his own. He untied the drawstring of his sweatpants and put them on the floor with the other articles of clothing. He grabbed the waistband of Dean’s pajama pants and pulled him closer. He looked down at the black pants that were covered in cartoon hot dogs. “Hot dogs?”

“What, they’re cool.” Dean defended his choice in pajama pants.

“You're right.” Cas leaned in to whisper in Dean’s ear. “But they’d look better on the ground.”

Dean hastily took them off and flung them onto the pile. Castiel turned on the shower and waited for it to get warmer. They stepped into the shower and let the water run over them. Castiel looked at Dean, droplets of water dripping down over his arms and his abs and his…

There was something about Dean that made Cas go crazy. Maybe it was the glimmer in his eye, or the way his tongue peeked out from behind his teeth when he grinned. To Cas, Dean was breathtaking. He was an amalgamation of every feeling Castiel felt of being at home. Dean made him feel safe and it was times like this when Cas felt truly alive. He leaned in and kissed Dean, pushing him up against the wall of shower. Dean kissed him back and leaned his hips against Cas but then pulled back towards the wall, causing Castiel to moan.

“Stop teasing me, Winchester.”

“Why don't you make me, Novak?”

* * *

Cas and Dean were on their sofa, rewatching one of their favorite movies, The Truman Show. The air was chillier than usual, indicating the shift from fall to winter, so they were wrapped up in blankets and surrounded by pillows. Dean laid across the couch, his head on Castiel’s thighs. Cas ran his fingers through his lover’s hair, staring intently at the screen in front of him.

“What if our lives are like that? Like Truman’s.” Cas pointed at a coaster that was on the table in front of them. “What if that was a camera? What if all of this is a simulation and nothing’s real.” Castiel wondered aloud, his eyes widened.

“This dick is real.” Dean said with a smirk, looking up at him.

Castiel burst out laughing. “God, I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

Cas sighed. “Yeah whatever, you're right. I love you, and your lame ass jokes.”

“That's what I thought.” Dean sat upright, framing Castiel’s face with hands. “And I love you.” He planted a kiss on his nose. Castiel scrunched his nose and laughed. “You missed my lips dummy."

“Really? Well you should guide me to them then.” Dean said. He moved his body onto Castiel’s, straddling him. 

Cas placed his hands on Dean’s thighs and rubbed up and down. He bit his bottom lip and looked at the boy hovering over him. “Dean.” he mumbled. His hands made their way to Dean’s hips as he leaned in to kiss him.

Dean kissed him back with fervor, savoring the taste of his lips. One of his hands slid up Cas’s shirt to rest on his stomach, while his other hand tugged at his hair. Cas moaned into Dean’s mouth and ran his hands up his back. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Dean pulled back, a confused expression on his face. “You expecting someone?”

“Postmates! I got us burgers from that place you like.” Castiel got up and walked to the door. He brought the food inside and placed it on the table in front of the couch.

Dean rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. “You know me so well.” Without missing a beat he grabbed a burger and began devouring it. Cas laughed at the way Dean ate, as if he hadn't touched a morsel of food in days. Dean’s phone chimed from somewhere on the couch. He put his burger down and wiped his hands before flipping the pillows and blanket to find it. Once he did, he read the text message on his lockscreen.

“It’s from Sammy. He wants to know if we’re still on for Thanksgiving.” 

“Well duh. Wouldn't miss it for the world.” Cas said.

Every year, the two of them would drive up to Sam and Eileen’s place for Thanksgiving dinner. The four of them would stuff themselves with turkey and mashed potatoes and everything else you’d expect at the dinner table. Ever since Sam and Dean lost their parents, having Thanksgiving dinner with the people they loved became extremely special.

—

**Thanksgiving Day**

Dean pushed the cart down the produce section, as Castiel scanned the area to locate the last item on their list. They had planned to make mashed potatoes and stuffing to bring to Sam and Eileen’s for dinner. Cas found a netted bag of potatoes and dumped it into the cart. “Alright, we’re done. Let’s get home quick so we can make everything before we have to go.”

The two left the grocery store, the cold hitting their faces as they stepped out. The air smelled like cinnamon and baked apples, and it made Dean’s mouth water. Near the entrance of the store, there was a tent, under which a man and woman were selling Dean’s favorite food.

“Dean, no we’re gonna be late.” Castiel said, already knowing Dean would be eager to buy some pie.

“Cas, pleeeease? It’s pie you know how much I love pie. And it smells so good, oh my god.” He looked at Cas with puppy eyes.

Cas rolled his eyes and gave Dean a small smile. “Fine. Let’s just hurry up.”

They walked over to the tent, plastic bags filled with their groceries hanging from their forearms. The table was stacked with different types of pies, each one in a plastic container with the flavor written on the lid. The man behind the table smiled and greeted them. “Hey fellas. We’ve got every flavor you could think of, so take your pick.”

Cas’s phone began to ring, so he pulled it out of his pocket. “It’s Sam.” He said to Dean and answered the call. He stepped back but stayed within earshot so he could relay to Dean whatever Sam said through the phone. “He’s asking what time we’ll be there tonight.” 

Dean replied that they’d be at his place by 7 or so and turned back to the table. His eyes scanned the pies hungrily. He would've bought every single one on that table if he could. “Sorry this is taking so long, I don’t know which one to get.” The man offered him a sample of his most sold flavor, cherry. He ate it within seconds and smiled. “Wow, that’s good.”

Cas finished his conversation with Sam, ending the call and facing Dean, who was wearing crumbs from the pie. Castiel let out a chuckle and wiped the crumb’s off Dean’s lower lip with his thumb. Dean kissed his thumb and winked. “Thanks. He decided to get an apple pie to take to dinner, and a cherry pie to have the next day. He turned to the man selling pies, whose face had changed to a darker expression. He told the man which ones he wanted and the man began to pack them up, no longer smiling. Dean held the containers from the man in one arm and paid for them. “Thank you.” He and Cas began to walk away from the table when the man said something under his breath. He mumbled a slur Dean had heard too many times in life.

Dean heard him and stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned on his heel and faced the man behind the table. “What did you just say?”

Cas gulped, knowing what his boyfriend was going to do. “Dean, let it go.”

Dean clenched his jaw and closed his eyes for a second, trying to cool down. He turned back around and the two were just about to begin walking to their car when the man spoke again. “That's what I thought, fuckin’ queers.”

In an instant, Dean was back at the table, his free hand grabbing the man’s collar. “Why don’t you say that to my face you son of a bitch.” He yelled. 

Castiel gasped. “Dean, stop!”

But Dean was filled with rage. It didn’t matter that this was just some random man trying to get under his skin. It didn’t matter that there were people watching them, a few ready to call the police at any moment.

The man gave Dean a cocky look. “You’re both gonna burn in hell.” Dean was ready to bash the man’s face in when he felt a pair of hands squeeze his shoulders from behind him.

“Dean,”

Dean looked back at Castiel, his hand still grabbing the man’s collar. Cas looked scared. His eyes looked at Dean, begging him to stop.

“Please.”

Dean took a deep breath, and let go of the man’s collar. The man stumbled backwards and the bystanders returned to what they were doing. Dean looked at the man, his expression indicating that he’d kill him if they crossed paths again.

They walked back to the car and put the groceries in the trunk. Before starting the engine, Dean looked to the passenger seat at Castiel. “Cas, I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” He placed a hand on Dean’s intertwining their fingers. Dean pulled their hands up to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of Cas’s hand. 

Cas looked at him with forgiving eyes. “Let’s go home.”

—

It was 7:22 pm. Dean and Castiel stood on the front step of Sam and Eileen’s house, waiting to be let in after ringing the doorbell. When the door swung open, a tall man with hair just past his ears greeted them. “Hey guys!” He leaned down and wrapped the two of them up into a hug.

“Hey, Sammy.” Dean smiled. Suddenly, he felt something grab at his leg and he yelped. When he looked down, he saw the Australian Shepherd Sam and Eileen adopted. “Geez, Riot would you calm down?” He spoke to the dog. Cas smiled and bent down to pet Riot, who was panting with happiness. 

Sam let the two of them into the house and let them put the food they brought onto the table. Eileen walked down the stairs and entered the room. “Hey guys! So nice to see you again.” She hugged Dean and Cas. The four set the dinner table, setting various dishes down. The oven rang, indicating that what was inside had finished cooking, so Sam walked over and took the turkey out. He placed it in the center of the table while Dean took the beers out of their case.

Once everything was ready, they all sat down. Beers in hand, eyes gazing over the array of food in front of them, they decided to go around the table and give their thanks; A cheesy tradition almost every family did on Thanksgiving.

“I’m thankful for this food, and for the fact that my pants have multiple buttons because my stomach is gonna need all the space it can get after this.” Dean declared patting his abdomen.

They all laughed and Sam raised his beer. “I’m thankful for this home and the fact that all of us are here together.”

Eileen was next. “I’m thankful for you guys, and Riot of course.” She looked at the dog who was already eating his dinner from his dog bowl.

Castiel smiled. He looked around the table and his heart swelled with gratefulness. _What have I done to deserve this_ , he wondered. He felt so lucky that he found a family who loved him, and he would forever be thankful for it. “I am thankful for the time we spend together. This family means the world to me.”

They all raised their beers and clinked them in agreement. Then the four of them dug in, mounting the food onto their plates. The room filled with a warm aura, a golden glow that radiated from the laughter and smiles at the table. Eating dinner with the people they loved most in the world, the four of them were the happiest they had been. No matter what happened in the past or what would happen in the future, they knew that moments like this transcended time. Moments like this would stay with them and remind them of what was good in the world. There was an unspoken acknowledgment of this between the four of them, and because of it, they cherished their time together.


	4. Chapter 4

It was early December now. Dean and Castiel had spent multiple holiday seasons together in the past years, but this one felt different. They and the town around them felt different, more alive than ever before. A layer of snow covered the ground like a blanket. Kids made snowmen in their front yards and everyone seemed to be smiling. It was like one of those Christmas movies you’d see on Lifetime. A perfect town, and the perfect couple as the main characters.

No, Dean and Cas were not a perfect couple, because that simply doesn't exist. Every couple goes through their ups and downs. But what was different about Dean and Cas was that their love was easy. No matter how rough things got, they knew it would be okay. Loving each other came to them naturally, it wasn't something they had to try to do. Loving Cas was a part of Dean, as it was vice versa. Their love was bright and burned like the sun, but it was also soft and soothing like the waves of the ocean. Everything about them fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, and they knew that as long as they had each other they would always be okay.

Currently, the two lovers were walking through the aisles of Home Depot. Dean wanted to repaint their bathroom, which the previous owners of the house had painted a green color that he found nauseating. “It looks like puke, Cas.” He told his boyfriend when he finally decided to do something about it.

They got to the paint section and Dean began looking at the color swatches stacked on the wall. Castiel decided to walk around the store while Dean picked a shade. He strolled around, finally making his way to the part of the store that sold Christmas-related things. Giant inflatables lined the topmost shelf with their heads hitting the ceiling. Faux Christmas trees stood tall, covered in lights and tinsel and multicolored ornaments. As he was done observing the area, Cas turned to go back to Dean, when something caught his eye. He smiled and picked up the item off the shelf.

“Hey, I think I’ve narrowed it down to two colors.” Dean said when Cas returned to him. He held up the two cards, both similar shades of light beige. “Which is better, Manchester tan or Edgecomb gray.” Cas examined the two colors and ended up favoring the latter option.

Dean looked at the color Cas chose. “Good choice.” His eyes fell to the box in Castiel’s hand – the one he had picked off the shelf on his way back. “What’s that?”

Castiel held up the box. Inside were two wooden bird houses, along with small tubes of paint and some brushes. “It’s a birdhouse painting kit. I know it's for kids but I thought it would be fun.”

Dean smiled. “It does look fun. My birdhouse is gonna be the prettiest you’ve ever seen, just you wait.”

“Not if mine’s better.” Cas challenged him.

The two left the store after Dean purchased paint in the shade they chose and Cas paid for the birdhouse kit. They stopped to pick up dinner at a restaurant they ordered takeout from. Castiel went inside and returned with a plastic bag. Inside were two boxes of Thai food that Dean could not wait to get into. “I can’t wait to get home, I’m starving.”

“Dean, we ate like 2 hours ago. You ate an entire burger. And like 5 strips of bacon from the leftovers of breakfast.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “Yeah well. Shut up.” He failed to find an appropriate comeback, causing Cas to laugh.

It was almost 7pm, the sun had set so the stars were out. The sky looked like a black cloth, with small holes revealing a sheet of light behind it. When they looked at the houses on the streets, they looked like they were covered in stars too. Everyone had their Christmas decorations up despite the holiday being weeks away. Strings of lights lined the edges of doorways and roofs. Some yards were covered with inflatable Santas that waved, and some had reindeers that lit up.

A blue SUV was driving down a street perpendicular to the one Dean and Cas were on. It’s driver, a short old man named Metatron, was on his phone. He had just lost his job, and was desperately texting his boss to reconsider his decision. Metatron swerved the car left, into an intersection, where Dean and Cas had just pulled up to a stop light.

The SUV crashed into the passenger side of the Impala, causing it to spin in the air twice before landing at the side of the road. Before he realized what had happened, Metatron’s head hit the dashboard, immediately killing him.

Then it was silent. The wind had stopped whistling and the world around them came to a standstill.

But Dean’s ears were ringing. His face was pressed against the airbag that came out of the steering wheel. He leaned back slowly, every muscle in his body screaming in agony. He was sure some bone had broken, but the pain was everywhere so he couldn't tell. There was glass covering them from the window on Castiel’s side. Dean looked at Cas, whose head was hanging down. Blood dripped from his forehead.

Dean shook Cas, trying to wake him up, but he wouldn't respond.He leaned over as much as he could in his current condition and cradled the boy’s face. “Cas? Hey Cas, come on wake up. It’s okay, you're fine. It’s gonna be okay.” He was crying now.

“Cas! Cas! Come on wake up…” He cried, his own voice muffled in his head. Slowly, his eyes began to close. The last thing Dean saw before he drifted into unconsciousness was flashing red lights.

“Cas…” he whispered one last time before his eyes shut completely.


	5. Chapter 5

The bright lights beaming down on him were what woke Dean up, followed by the slow rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor. Then it was the immense pain he felt from head to toe. Dean hated hospitals. He had been in them enough times to be conditioned to despise them. The walls were too white and they smelled like death and hand sanitizers. Dean looked down at his arm and saw an IV drip connected to it. Then he remembered why he was there. His eyes widened and his breathing quickened, causing the heart monitor to beep faster.

“Cas!” He yelled, not knowing where his boyfriend was. Dean began to panic, still unaware if Cas was gravely hurt...or worse. He strained to sit upright, the pain in his body pushing him down. He yelled the name again, louder this time.

His brother ran in, followed by a doctor. “Dean! You’re awake.” Sam put a hand on the railing of the bed. 

Dean looked at him and then to the doctor. “Where is Cas?” He demanded, more than asked.

The doctor sighed. “Castiel is fine...physically.”

Tears welled up in Dean’s eyes. He had never been more grateful to hear a sentence in his entire life. He didn't know what he would do without Cas. Then he realized the second half of the doctor’s words.

“What do you mean physically?”

“The external wounds weren't too severe. He needed stitches and his arm was broken, so we put a cast on it. But his mental state is...not as promising.”

Dean clenched his fists and glared at the woman in the white coat as she continued talking.

“He’s suffering from retrograde amnesia. The impact of the crash –the head trauma– affected his brain in a way that caused him to forget nearly everything about his life. He doesn't remember much other than his own name.” The doctor spoke.

Dean’s heart stopped in his chest, metaphorically of course. In reality, the heart monitor showed that his heart was rapidly beating. But he couldn't hear it. As the doctor told him about Cas’s condition, Dean’s ears began to ring and everything around him muffled due to shock. She continued to talk, something about a check up before Dean could be let out of the room. But Dean didn't care. He couldn't think about anything except Cas and what the doctor had just said to him. 

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder.  Sam was crying, and Dean realized he was too. “Dean. He doesn't remember any of us.”

Dean saw that the “us” Sam was referring to wasn't just the two them. He looked through the window of his room and saw others standing in the hall. Rowena, Gabriel, Eileen, Bobby– their friends. And Castiel remembered none of them.

The doctor asked Sam to leave and checked Dean’s vitals and the stitches on his arm and forehead. She told him he broke his foot so he’d need crutches for a few weeks. Then she looked him in the eyes and sighed. “Dean. This is going to be tough. You need to be prepared for the idea that he has no idea who you are. Sam told me you and Castiel are together?”

Dean nodded, crying again at the doctor’s words.

“Then you're the person closest to him. You've got to try to jog his memory. When he’s up to it, take him places you’ve been to together. Show him symbols of his life and your relationship. You never know what might spark a light in his brain and bring something back.” She said, taking Dean’s blood pressure.

After she was done with his checkup, the doctor called Sam back in and told him to bring the others. Eileen put her arms around Dean’s neck and hugged him. “I’m so glad you're okay. We all are.” After her, Bobby leaned down and gave Dean a hug. He didn't say anything, his thoughts occupied with trying to hold back his tears.

Gabriel smiled at Dean. They weren't close, but the man had grown to be like a brother to Cas after their time working at the library together. He had quit a few years ago to pursue a career in writing for a television series, but he came back to visit when he could.

Then Rowena walked up to the bed. She looked at the boy in it, tears falling from her green eyes. “Thank god you boys are okay.” Dean took her hand and squeezed, giving her a soft smile as tears fell from his own eyes. “Cas is…” She tried to say, but couldn't get the words out, to which Dean nodded knowingly.

They helped him get off the bed, the doctor placing crutches under his arms. Dean winced in pain, so Sam suggested he should rest for a bit before seeing Cas.

“No!” Dean nearly yelled, startling the others in the room. “No. I’ve got to see him, Sammy.”

Sam helped him to Cas’s room, the others walking behind them. Dean took a deep breath as Sam opened the door. There he was. Cas was laying in a bed, eyes fixed on the tv in the corner of the room. He looked at the people entering his room.

Castiel recognized Sam from an hour ago. Sam was holding some man upright on crutches, a man he couldn't quite name. _Is this the man that Sam referred to? My boyfriend?_ Cas wondered. He looked to Sam, who nodded, indicating that his thoughts were correct.

Dean nearly started crying on the spot. The blank stare Cas gave him said everything he needed to know. Sam, the doctor, and the rest of their friends left the room to give them some time alone.

“Cas…” Dean said, nearly whispering.

“Hello,” Cas paused, trying to remember the name Sam told him. “Dean?”

A tear fell from Dean’s eye. He quickly wiped it away and gave Cas a small smile. “Yeah, Cas, it’s me. How are you feeling?”

Castiel turned off the television with the remote on the table next to him. “I’m not sure how to answer that. I-I can’t remember anything. I remember my name is Castiel, and I remember being in some sort of accident. But that's it.”

Dean looked down at the tiles that made up the floor. He gripped the handles of his crutches and closed his eyes to prevent more tears from falling. 

"You don't remember me?" He stepped closer to the bed. "You don't remember us?"

Castiel looked into Dean's watery eyes, noticing how beautiful they were. They reminded him of the sweet but sour taste of a granny smith apple, those piercing green eyes. Cas shuddered, feeling like he had the exact same thought before. His gaze faltered as he looked down at his hands. "No, I'm sorry."

Dean couldn't stop the tears anymore. They fell from his eyes like dew from a blade of grass. He didn't know what to do. He was glad Cas was still here, but in a way, Dean had lost him. The man he loved with every fiber in his being didn't even know who he was . 

"It's okay Cas. We're gonna fix this." He wiped his eyes. "I'm gonna help you, you're gonna remember everything."

Cas gave him a soft smile, knowing that probably wasn't true. But he wanted to remember everything. Sam told him about how their relationship was, how much they loved each other. Cas wanted to feel that again.

He wanted to love Dean.


End file.
